Come and Find Me
by ColieMacKenzie
Summary: She's shaking, her legs wobbly, fingers clamped around the doorknob as if it's the only thing keeping her upright. Her stomach tightens, with fear, with want, with everything she's so carefully held in check for months, years... What if for 3x22, 'To Love and Die in L.A.'. Happy Birthday, Joy! Winner of "The 12th" Fan Awards 2013 for best M-rated fanfic (under 10,000 words).


**Come and Find Me**

**AN: **A spin on 3x22, 'To Love and Die in L.A.'. Because it's still one of my very favorite episodes. :) May it make this Castle-less Monday just a little less depressing for you all…

_**Birthday fic for International08 – ridiculously late but from the heart just the same. Happy (belated) Birthday Joy! Thank you for your wonderful friendship and your continuous support. And look, I even made it before your next quarter-birthday… ;)**_

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**Come and Find Me**

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"I can't do this anymore."

Her voice is no more than a whisper, dulled by the knot that clogs her throat, the quiet tears that rim her eyes.

She's a coward, doing this over the phone.

She can still see his face, the quiet longing inscribed in the lines of his features as he looked at her across the couch, so familiar yet more intense than he's ever allowed her to see. See it all. Her stomach, her lungs, her heart, every part of her contracts almost painfully, sending a bout of nausea up her spine.

It can't wait.

Not now, not anymore.

She cries because of the pain she causes, because of the quiet pleas on the other side of the line, the other side of the country that slowly, unstoppably morph into angry shouts.

"This because of him?"

"No!" _Yes._

This hasn't been right for a long time. Maybe it never was.

"I don't think that this is what I'm looking for right now." The familiarity of the words hits her hard, like a punch in the gut.

She's said them before.

Different guy, same reason.

* * *

Her confidence deserts her, now that she's here.

She sinks against the green, shiny door at her back, tries to breathe. To calm the thick stutter of her heart, the blood that rushes in her ears.

She's shaking, her legs wobbly, fingers clamped around the doorknob as if it's the only thing keeping her upright. Her stomach tightens, with fear, with want, with everything she's so carefully held in check for months, years.

The echo of his voice carried her forward, the memory of her name coating his lips, the desperate desire in his eyes. Across the now empty living room of the large suite, past the couch that they'd sat on only a few hours, a lifetime ago. The click of the doorknob echoed loudly through the wide-open space and her heart hammered as she stood frozen, listening for sounds.

All remained still.

She waited another beat, one, two slams of her heart against her ribs, her fingers gripped around the metal of the doorknob before she found her resolve, pushed open the door and slipped through the narrow gap.

Into his bedroom.

He's sprawled out almost diagonally across the bed, sheets and comforter a knotted coil across his legs and torso. His hair is disheveled, and she envisions him tossing and turning, unable to sleep, his brain restless with thoughts, implications, his body twitching with want, the sharp claws of unfulfilled need.

She wants to run her fingers through the strands, calm the unruliness, shatter him, remake him with her touch.

He stirs, shifts on the mattress and she freezes, holds her breath as he pulls a knee higher, his head lolling to the side; only lets it out slowly when he stills once more. His restless movements shifted the sheet, revealing the naked skin of his stomach and the peak of one hipbone. She can't stop staring at it, the rise and fall of his abdomen with every deep breath, the bracket of his wide ribcage, his broad torso and shoulders, the bulk of his biceps. Her skin flushes with the rush of heat that races through her, settles low in her midsection as she imagines what it would feel like to put her hands on his body, the heat of his flesh seeping into her blood, wonders what his skin feels like beneath her fingertips.

Her eyes linger on his face, the strong slope of his nose, the brush of his dark eyelashes over the top of his cheeks, the wide slant of his cheekbones. She tingles with the urge to touch him, the fierce, overwhelming need to trail her fingers over the stubble of his chin, skim the pad of her thumb along his slackened bottom lip.

His lashes flutter and she stands frozen, pressed against the door at her back as he drifts through the fog of sleep, struggles into consciousness. His eyes open slowly, the blue of his irises caught by the dim, ambient light that glows from the backlit headboard as he notices her presence.

"Kate?" His voice is roughened with sleep, shimmies through her in tight waves. "What's wrong?" He sits up, the sheet pooling over his lap as he rubs the heel of his hand over his eye sockets.

"I… I…" She can't speak. Can't move. Can only stare as he focuses on her, his disorientation clearing, giving way to the knowing, _yearning _pierce of his eyes.

"We broke up," she blurts, her voice a toneless whisper that rustles through the breathless silence of the room.

His eyes widen. "You okay?"

She nods, distantly notices her hair charging with static as it rubs against the synthetic padding of the door, crackling in her ear.

He stares at her, and there is knowledge in his darkened, stormy eyes. The silence between them is heavy with unspoken implications, filled with the unvoiced longing that tethers them to each other. She swallows the lump in her throat where her heart seems to sit, thudding heavily beneath her skin.

"Come here."

It's challenge, demand, proposition and plea.

His voice is hoarse and she can't move, her knees shaky, her legs disobeying her commands as she stands frozen, her nails clawed into the door behind her. She feels like a deer caught in the headlights, unable to take one step while her mind screams, for escape, for relief, for absolution. She's come as far as she can of her own volition and please, Castle,_ please_.

She gasps for air, the lack of oxygen making her dizzy. His eyes drop to her chest, his piercing stare focused on the rise and fall of her breasts, and her nipples crest under the thin purple shirt, radiating a warm sizzle of longing through her.

He looks back up at her, his eyes finding hers, and his irises are almost black, his stare decisive. Certain.

He swings his legs over the side of the bed, the sheet falling off his hips as he gets up, walks toward her, his gait measured, precise, _determined_. Her heart hammers against her ribs, the blood rushing loudly in her ears. Hot flares of desire radiate from her midsection with every step he takes.

"You…" She tries to wet her lips, her mouth suddenly desiccated as she watches him come close, ever closer; grasps for words, any coherent thought but fails at the sight of him. "Always sleep naked?"

He nods, never falters in his stride, unashamed in his nakedness, his evident arousal and she can't stop staring, shivers with dark yearning while the space between them shrinks into nothingness.

The thin cotton of her leggings is almost no barrier against the naked, heavy press of him as he pushes into her, brazenly sandwiches her between the door and his broad body. Her head thuds against the wood behind her as he cups the back of her knee, raising her leg high in one fluid motion that fits him firmly within the cradle of her thighs. She inhales sharply, the heated, thick feel of him overwhelming; her vision blurry, her brain hazy and her back arches of its own volition, nudging her pelvis harder into his where he's growing more rigid against her. She aches for him, can barely breathe; her whole body poised, ready. Her hips jerk frantically, needing to feel him, closer, deeper, more, _more_ but he stills against her, the rapid rise and fall of his chest the only movement as he breathes harshly.

He cradles a palm over her cheek and jaw, his fingers pressing into her skull, tilting her head. "Kate," he murmurs, the pad of his thumb tenderly caressing the rim of her cheekbone, a stark contrast to the roughness of his voice, his hard length that nudges insistently between her legs. She wants to weep, claw her fingers into his ass and press him into her, feel the heat of his mouth, his fingers, his touch, wants to be surrounded, overwhelmed by him.

"Look at me, Kate," he implores, his mouth so close that the hot gush of his breath whispers over her lips, and it's the desperate yearning in his voice that makes her blink open her eyes, locking with his, so dark, dark like the deepest part of the ocean and she's drowning in the depths, drowning in him. "What do you want?"

She swallows, clawing for words through the fog in her brain, trying to think past the distraction of his body crowding hers, his body heat seeping into her skin, thrumming through her blood and she's aching for more of him, all of him, has never before yearned for anybody like this, so desperate that it's paralyzing. The words catch in her throat and she slides her hands around his torso, presses them over his abdomen, running them up to slide over his pecs where she can feel the race of his heart underneath her palm. His breath hitches on a longing groan.

"You _need_ to tell me, Kate." He lifts her leg even higher, hooks it over his hipbone as he crowds into her. "I can't…" He pauses, rests his forehead against hers, his voice low, urgent, almost forlorn. "I need to hear you say it. Tell me. Tell me what you want."

Her fingers instinctively clench over his chest, his body so warm and solid, tantalizing, and she's wanted this, has been aching for this, for _him_ for so long that it still feels like a dream. Yet the heat of his body is very real, the planes of his chest underneath her palms, the solid, steady cant of his hips into hers, the penetrating, _wanting_ stare of his eyes. It all rises to the surface, unstoppable as it spills from her heart, a geyser of breathless, roaring words.

"You. You, Castle. I just need y-"

His lips are on hers then; he swallows the rest of her confession, his tongue sliding past the lines of her opened lips and her head drops back, helpless against the overpowering onslaught of sensations. He delves inside, at once fast, demanding, unapologetic as he explores the depths of her mouth, the curl of his tongue clever, so intense that her mind feels hazy. The blood pounds in her veins and then he bites her bottom lip and she surges into him with a fervent growl, delves into his mouth, frantic for his flavor, his heat; the extent of her desire exposed, laid bare before him.

Her fingers claw into his chest, needing him closer, deeper and he hisses at the sharp bite of her nails; his hips jerk into hers, relentless pressure that hikes her tighter against the door, stokes the fire roaring within her. She whimpers, her heel digging into the taut curve of his butt, his rigid length meeting the soaked cotton of her pants and he stills against her, groans into her mouth.

"Kate, I can't…" His voice oozes with longing, vibrates with urgency as he rests his forehead against hers, presses a palm beneath her shirt. His fingertips skirt underneath the waistband of her leggings, his touch branding the naked skin low on her stomach and she shivers. "I have to…"

And his fingers dive between her wet folds. He groans, sounds both shocked and amazed at finding her soaked and swollen, so _ready_ for him beneath her underwear and then he dips two fingers inside of her in one quick, impulsive move.

He stills.

His moan mingles with hers, a high-pitched whine she barely recognizes as herself at the sudden intrusion. She clasps a hand around his neck just to hold on, stay upright while her body flutters around him, eager to draw him deeper inside, desperate for more, god _more_.

Still he doesn't move, seems to just soak her in, his damp breath brushing across her face and she whimpers, her muscles clasping, seeking him. She finds his mouth, nips her teeth along his tender bottom lip, sucks it into her mouth; tightens her thigh around him, her whole body poised, on edge. When she thinks she can't take it anymore, her nails dug into his spine, her muscles clenched so firmly that her limbs quiver he thrusts, once, the full force of his body behind it as he boldly pushes her back against the door and she keens frantically.

It's embarrassingly fast. Two, three more thrusts of his fingers inside of her, the heel of his hand pressed hard against her clit, sandwiching her nerves with relentless pressure and her entire body seizes around him. Everything coalesces within her, the long-suppressed yearning for him leaving her raw and exposed and her muscles contract, thrumming a tight, dirty rhythm around his fingers. Dark sounds rip from her throat as she quakes in his arms, almost shocked by the speed of her release.

She's still shaking when he withdraws, clasps his hands around her thighs instead to lift her in his arms. Kate slumps against him, boneless and quivery, her face nudged into the safe haven of his neck. He smells like his cologne and arousal and _him_, and her breaths shudder, curl over his skin, leaving a trail of goose bumps in its wake.

The cottony softness of the comforter welcomes her when he gently lays her down on his bed before he hooks his fingers around the waistband of her pants and peels the clothing off her legs. A draft of cool air brushes over her heated, exposed middle and she shivers but then his warm mouth meets her ankle, his tongue teasing circles around the prominent bone and all thoughts vacate her brain. Her toes curl, her fingers tighten around the sheets beneath her and she can't think, can barely breathe, can only feel the heat of his mouth, the rasp of his tongue, the playful scrapes of his teeth as he trails a line of kisses up the inside of her leg.

Her senses are in overdrive, every touch heightened to staggering intensity and her hips jerk, her head thrown back when his tongue dips into the crease of her inner thigh. He clamps his hands over her hipbones, murmuring soothing sounds into her skin as he holds her in place and his voice thrums through her in a tight, enticing rhythm. At once she's ready again, yearning for more, wet bursts of desire spreading low in her abdomen yet he doesn't touch her, only breathes over her swollen folds. The damp brush of warmth sends shivers up her spine.

He meticulously kisses and nips a path down her other leg, teases the trembling skin of her inner thigh until he reaches her ankle, sucks on the thin skin that covers the bone. She whimpers, his name folded into a string of incoherent sobs, not sure she can take much more and he heeds her plea, crawling up at once.

Smoothing his palms along her legs he spreads her thighs wide and then his mouth covers her, _sucking_ her inside and she cries out, her pelvis surging harder into him at the overwhelming blaze of sensation.

He murmurs her name into her skin, over and over, a reverent prayer as he worships her with his mouth.

Circling and flicking the hard tip of his tongue over her nerves, then flattening it against her he plays her with such skill that her vision blackens, her heels dug into the mattress, thighs clamping, shaking and she tunnels her fingers into his hair, grasping the stands between her fists, pulling him up by his head.

"Castle…" She moans, her words almost soundless as her whole body quakes under his relentless pursuit. "I can't…" She sobs, can barely take anymore, needs more, _more_. "Inside. God, please, I want you inside."

He comes up with a growl, sinks on top of her, his body deliciously heavy, pressing her deep into the mattress. Kate hooks her knees over his hips, feels him nestled against her, his length rigid, his blood pounding for her. His body is strong, controlled, his muscles tightened and she runs her palms up his torso, admires the width of his chest, worships the curve of his strong deltoids and the bulge of his biceps with her fingertips.

"Kate," he breathes her name reverently and she curls her fingers into his hair, trails them over the rim of his ear, his strong cheekbone and the delicious rasp of his jaw. His eyelids lower as he nudges his cheek into her palm, breathing her in for a long moment. She lifts her head and kisses him, tasting a delectable mix of herself and him on his lips. It's sweet and loving and so filled with yearning that she snakes her hand between their bodies and guides him inside herself.

His eyes fly open as he slides deep into her, the dark blue depths focused solely on her, intense and blazing. She gasps when he fills her to the hilt, as she cradles his thickness within her body, finally connected with him in every way possible and her heart clenches in rhythm with her core.

She caresses her thumb along his cheekbone, sees everything written into the lines of his face, shimmering in his eyes, all she's ever wanted and never allowed herself to have. His unending belief in her, his trust, his hopes; how he worships her, desires her, how deeply he loves her. It steals the breath from her lungs and then he kisses her, his tongue surging deep into her mouth, exploring and passionate, mirroring the firm drive of his pelvis into hers.

Her heart hammers, her blood roaring in her ears, through her limbs. Tight heat spreads from where they are joined into every part of her, racing up her spine, spiraling down to her fingertips and toes. She hooks her legs higher around his waist, curls her arms around his shoulders, cradling him to her, desperate to feel the weight of his body, the thrum and play of his muscles, needing to feel _him_, all of him as he surrounds her, fills her.

He thrusts deeply and her hips rise into him, eagerly meeting his stroke. He groans, rolls his forehead against hers. Pushing his forearms into the mattress beside her head he does it again, the leverage of his whole body behind it as he thrusts long and hard. She whimpers when she feels him deep, so deep, everywhere at once, sighing his name as her fingers dig into his back.

He drives inside her, over and over, builds up a rhythm that's meticulous, deep, so staggeringly intense that she's burning from the inside out. His long strokes work all her nerve endings, his pelvis brushing her swollen bundle of nerves and her legs clench around him, her limbs trembling with need.

He murmurs her name with every thrust, paints the words onto the skin of her cheek, her neck, over her lips, as if he still can't believe she's here, that it's her cradling him within her arms, within her body. She surges into him, her heels digging into his ass to urge him on, at once desperate for him to have all of her, her body, her soul, all she can give, everything she is.

He groans, his voice darkened with the tight hold he executes over his body and then he thrusts again, harder, faster and she's close, so close; she doesn't understand, how can this be so perfect, how does he know her so well, her body, her heart, her _everything_. She whimpers, clings tightly to him, circling her hips, her muscles fluttering around his length until everything crashes over her head like a tidal wave. Her body splinters apart, bright lights flare behind her eyelids as her back arches, her muscles gripped around him, limbs trembling with the devastating shockwave of her release.

He's still rigid inside her, his whole body tightly controlled and she focuses, methodically tightens her core around him, yearning for him to find absolution within her. She runs her nails over his sensitive butt cheeks and he gasps her name like a prayer, thrusting once, twice more, jerks into her as he comes hard, his body jolting, shuddering above her until he sinks onto her with a shiver, his face pressed into the curve of her neck.

"That was… whoa!" He stammers breathlessly, the words caressing over her skin.

She shivers, hums in approval. "Extraordinary."

He inhales, soaks her in, clinging tightly to her and she holds him for long moments while their breathing evens out, her limbs cradled around his strong body. She feels boneless, fulfilled, can't remember a time when she was more at peace.

"I'm too heavy," he murmurs eventually, tries to roll off her but she tightens her legs around him, keeping him on her, inside of her.

"No, stay." She curls her fingers through his hair, caresses small circles over his scalp and his neck. "I want you close."

He carefully settles back on top of her, his cheek pressed to her collarbone. Her heart is leaping and she wonders if he can hear it.

"How is _this_ still on?" He questions suddenly, his fingers plucking at her purple t-shirt and she has to laugh, looking down at the shirt still plastered to her, wrinkled and sweaty; she hadn't even noticed she was still wearing it. Reaching for the bottom of the shirt that's ridden up just below her breasts she wiggles beneath him, trying to take it off. He lifts up slightly, helps her pull it over her head before he settles against her naked chest.

"You are so incredibly beautiful," he murmurs, his fingers trailing over the slope of her breast, his thumb brushing across the over-sensitized nipple. It sends a quivering aftershock through her and she gasps weakly. When she looks down at him his eyes are focused solely on her face, burning with the fervor of his feelings.

"Castle…" She sighs, her fingers soft against his cheek as she takes him in, his unruly hair and sweaty forehead, his kiss-swollen lips, the swing of his cheekbones and his strong, stubbly jaw. The warmth in his eyes, so open for her, freely letting her see how he admires her, desires her, how much he loves her and it's staggering, overwhelming, unbelievable. Amazing.

Her heart slams against her ribs, her skin tingling with the force of the words that roar through her, clamor for freedom from deep within where she'd held them captive for so long. She smiles, brushes her lips across his, and sets them free.

"I'm in love with you."

_End _


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